I’ve heard the whisper of Home. Out loud, time and time again. I wanted to look back and I know it’s time to go back home.
A lot of things, good and not so good, grabbed me and brought me back. I’m happy to be here. I’m happy to be surrounded by true people, family and friends. This is where I really want to be right now.
It’s strange. A lot of stuff has changed and a lot of stuff is still the same. I thought I’d be a different person but I feel that I’m still the same one. When I was traveling I felt changes within me, a new person. Now I’m here, so why have I become the person I was before? Why can’t I be the same person I am when I’m on the road? I don’t have any answers, but a lot of questions.
It’s funny. Before leaving everything was clear. Traveling was the solution, the pursuit, my way to happiness, or call it as you wish. I was in jail, in a city that was too tiny and uncomfortable for me, and leaving was the key to finding the freedom that made me live in each moment. I was sure that, even though I knew I was going to find dirt roads and uphills, traveling was everything I needed, for now and tomorrow. But all these feelings and emotions I had have been changed now. Those thoughts about travel have become like a fog. I was sure I would have kept on going and going and I would have never been tired. But suddenly a feeling of confusion came over me that overwhelmed all the certainties I had.
I’m not saying that I will stop here. Absolutely not! It’s just a break. Just like during a hike in the mountains when you stop for a drink and a breath of fresh air before you reach the top. To keep on going now doesn’t make sense.
It’s illogical. I never knew what I wanted to do. Me, the eternally undecided. I was feeding my instincts. “Consequences are a part of the game,” I used to said to myself, “Don’t think about it”.
Choose. Before, choosing was easy. I chose to leave everything and go. To get lost. Now that everything has changed, I see a myriad of opportunities, possibilities and directions that make me become frantic and even more undecided. What to do? Where to go? In front of me I see the entrance to many different paths, but I don’t see exactly where they go. The paths are shrouded in fog, but far away, on the horizon, I can see my dreams. They are there, maybe too big, but I can see them all clear and colorful. I know if I want, one of these roads will bring me there. But it’s not the time. I’m not afraid, I’ve learnt to fix the sail if I’ve got the wind in front of me, but I’m really undecided. What if I start walking on a road and at the end it’s a dead road? Or what if I walk on a path that makes a big turn and I then can’t see the same horizon that is now so clear? They say, and I also say, to me not to worry. Who cares? The magic will be in enjoying the road. It seems I’ve got an A in the theory, but in the practice, damn, it’s too hard.
Break. Breathe. Pause. Relax.
I’ve read a phrase in the city. “I don’t know what to do. Utter present.” So do not think, let it go and live now. Yesterday is gone, and tomorrow is not here. It’s time to have a break, make yourself overwhelmed by the essence of now. Enjoy a rest before you put your backpack back on your shoulders. There’s no rush. I didn’t step back.
The road is still long and there is a journey still to be lived.